No one ever thinks when meeting someone new, that it could turn into some kind of bad dream you seem to be living. Almost like a bad version of Groundhog Day in a way. People tell me I'm hard to read, that I need to share my feelings in words better. Yeah, I do, that's true and that's something that I'm working on and will continue to work on probably forever. It's not an easy task for me because I got REALLY good at telling everyone that everything was great and I was fine and doing it with a smile for about five years. That's going to take some undoing. I said last time on the blog that I was going to talk about the real and that there are NO regrets here - only lessons learned along my very bumpy journey that I hope others can learn from as well so here goes.
LET ME TELL YOU HOW IT STARTED......
I never wanted a happily ever after with a white picket fence, a gorgeous house and to be a stay at home mom. That's just not me. I wanted the mediocre to average house, no fence and to do something I love. Two out of three ain't bad for now. So, let's look back about 13 years or so shall we?
I think I got married in a hurry. If I'm being honest; which, I have been through everything I've written, I was jealous that my friends and mostly my brother were getting married before me. I love my brother and I love his wife maybe even more (sorry bro!) but all my life, my brother has been the quieter, less social and one that didn't date much out of the two of us. Looking back now, yes, I know, this shouldn't have bothered me and I should've just been happy for him. I was incredibly happy for him, really, I was. They are still together today and they are my #relationshipgoals for sure! I just got in my head and got wrapped up in the fact that everything was happening for everyone else and not me.
So, when my brother asked me to help him pick out an engagement ring about 5 months into a relationship I was a little annoyed. I helped, of course, but wasn't thrilled about it. This, in turn, caused me to push for a ring on my own finger when in fact, I don't think I was ready. Now that I'm no longer married to that man, people have told me they never thought we were right for each other - amongst other things.
Looking back now, I thought I loved him and maybe a part of me really did at one time but knowing what I know, I either didn't see it or didn't care about anything in that moment, until our second son came along and something started to change.
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