Questions After Divorce

Is this what life is now, constant worry, overthinking, regret? How will I do this on my own? I don't know HOW to be alone! Will I ever find someone to love me? Will they love and care for my kids? Am I willing to be vulnerable enough with someone after I've been hurt? How can I trust that I won't get hurt that same way again? That's just a few of the zillions of questions that went through my head for about the first year after my divorce.

I was in a bad way for quite a few months. Granted, I grew very good at hiding my true feelings over prior years, so no one really knew how shitty I actually felt about myself. They never caught onto all the nights I cried myself to sleep or the reasons I went out until 2am when I didn't have my kids.

Ending my marriage was completely the right decision! It was toxic for everyone involved. I never cried because it was over, I cried because I felt like a failure. I read that in 'Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo' I felt like I had failed myself, my parents, especially my children.

For the first few months after the divorce, I really struggled with finding the person I lost during my marriage. Who was I? I thought going on date after date with men I knew were completely wrong for me with all these red flags and going out all the time {I never experienced this in my twenties, give me some credit here 🤷🏻‍♀️} was what I was supposed to do. I thought somehow that would bring back the girl I was before. Turns out - that just made me feel like a hoe. #truthhurts But boy, do I have some dating stories that I'll share and maybe y'all can help me solve the dilemma as to why I was always getting left places by these assholes.

Once I took a step back, got my head on straight and figured out my priorities, I realized I needed to just be me for awhile. I needed to be that girl I lost for so many years. I needed to welcome her back to the world with open arms. Needed to tell her, yeah, she messed up, but she's human and we all screw up royally once in awhile.

The good news is, I didn't stay on that downward spiral even though I still have moments when certain things trigger me. It's important to remove the toxicity from your life and know your triggers or the spiral will never end. And yes, it's okay if it takes you days, weeks, months to realize this. It did me too.