It's been a little over a year and a half since my divorce was finalized, but I gotta tell you, there's many things I dealt with that no one told me I would have to deal with. I'm thankful now though that I did because I have a friend going through it and now I'm able to help her through it because I know what worked for me and what didn't. Here are a few things I'm talking about.
First of all, our kids. From their point of view, they see our stress and frustration towards our ex spouse coming out as anger and frustration at THEM when they really just need our love and support right now. Yes, we're going through a lot, but that's hard for them to understand if they are young. Try talking to them about it. Explain to them that things might be hard for a bit, but in the long run, everyone will be happier and things will get easier. Let them know that there will be possible new routines that have to be started than they are used to in order to make the household run smoothly now. Make sure they know you LOVE them and you're there for them.
Secondly, not everyone has an ex spouse that they can get along with right out of the gate. To be honest, I never thought that me and my ex would ever be able to be civil to each other. Turns out, after a year apart, we can now talk about our kids schedules, needs and even joke about stuff and be within five feet of each other without wanting to strangle the other. I even sit with HIS parents at our boy's baseball games now without problems. I also know that sometimes it goes the direction of, both parents can NEVER be in the same room together or in the case of a friend of mine, her and her ex talk on the phone every single morning like nothing ever happened between the two of them. Everyone is different and it all will come at your pace and what you think is best for you and your children.
The next thing is one that gets me most often. No one told me that I would get in my feelings quite often about being alone. No, I don't miss my ex. No I don't want to rush into another relationship just because I'm lonely. I know there's probably many of you that are tired of being the third wheel to your happily married or paired up friends. You're likely tired of not having any single friends to go out with due to the fact that you have no single friends or the single/divorced friends have opposite custody schedules as you do(that's my life right now). Or if you're like me, you hate being in your house when the kids aren't there because it's so damn quiet that it's gets you thinking about all of the above and then you're in your feelings and then you're crying. Anyone?? No one tells you just how often this will happen.
Next, we all know it will be hard, but I don't think we realize just how hard. Like, we want to do it on our own right? Let everyone know we're strong, independent women right? I don't disagree with this, however, there will be many times, when you WILL need someone. I suggest, if you're contemplating divorce, make sure you have that someone beforehand. That someone to be there in a moments notice to come grab your kids when you're about to lose it from all the frustration. That someone to pick up one kiddo at a late event so you can stay with the sleeping others. That someone that will come over and hang out with you and your kids even when they are kidless.
Lastly, and actually this is a good one. No one tells you how much stronger you're going to come out on the other side of this whole thing! Whatever the reason you chose to seek divorce, chances are it knocked you down. Starting your life completely over is a HUGE task in itself. Add kids to the mix and it's even larger and more daunting. To see ourselves start at the bottom of this mountain and succeed is incredible and to know we did it without a man in our lives is even more amazing!!
You're all fabulous, gorgeous, wonderful women and I'm grateful to have you here in my little community! I hope you find this helpful or can pass it along to someone that needs it in their life right now. Happy Monday!
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