With it being Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to share the story about my struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety. After I had my oldest son in 2013, everything was great other than the normal, "what am I supposed to do with this baby?!" thoughts which every new mom has for quite awhile.
When I had my youngest son in 2015, however, I knew something wasn't quite right. Not right away and not when we got home with him. I think I realized it when he was a few months old and sleeping in his own room. (of course this would happen with him because I tease and say he was my problem child from the womb). Complete transparency, this is when my marriage started spiraling as well.
I remember the night I figured out something wasn't okay. Dawson had woken up and I just couldn't calm him down and get him back to sleep, no matter what I tried. I remember sitting there rocking him for what felt like hours upon hours and I remember crying because I was exhausted and I was thinking to myself, "why did we have another baby?"
I think about that now and I feel sick! How could I think those words about my sweet boy? I can't imagine my life without him in it (even when he does make me want to pull my hair out). The fact that I even thought that when I had a healthy, beautiful boy in my arms when there were/are so many out there that would die for a baby of their own.
Eventually, I talked to a friend about what was going on because I knew she had shared her struggles as well and she convinced me to bring it up to my doctor. My doctor gave me some medicine and told me that it would likely subside in a few months and I could stop taking the medicine. Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, this is also when my marriage started spiraling and I started having panic attacks and I was depressed more than I was happy. I ended up needing to continue it.
Here we are 8.5 years later and I'm still taking the medicine, which I've had to increase at least twice. Once when my marriage was nearing the end and then just recently due to the stress and uprooting from our recent fire. A lot of people ask or like to give their opinion about how "moms shouldn't be taking meds like that when they have children to take care of." I'll argue every time with someone on that. My kids can either have an overwhelmed, emotional, depressed mom everyday, or they can have a happy mom. Which would you say is better for their well being?
Mental health is crazy hard to deal with so it's definitely NOT something you should handle on your OWN, yet most of the time we have to because no one will listen. I can tell you from experience that those sad days are dark and emotional and sometimes it's hard to pull yourself out of them. It's so unreal to me how something so small like cancelled plans or not hearing from someone for a few days or the tone in which someone says something to me can send me into a sad spiral. Yes, if you're wondering, I do think that sounds silly, but my brain tells me it's not and therefore when "silly" things like that happen, my brain tells me "hey you, it's time to get crazy sad and quiet for a few days."
That same baby boy I got so frustrated with almost 9 years ago, asked me a few weeks ago while watching a movie, “mama, have you found your happy?” I wanted so badly to be able to tell him yes, completely, but in reality, a little something is missing and I feel like it always will be. I do though, have my happy with my sweet boys!
Anxiety, depression, any type of mental health is just so hard to explain in words to anyone that hasn’t gone through it. It’s a daily struggle so be kind to people, you never know who might be having a hard time each and every day. Keep moving forward, you’re doing better than you think you are.
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